I’ve had an interesting few months, and it was basically like living through an indie film that ended with me getting dumped and the election going the way we all know it went so there’s no reason to dwell on it. This article, my triumphant return to writing non-fiction, is a review but it is also a metaphor for life. Several weeks ago, before everything went horribly awry, work sent me to Drug Mart (just your basic drug store like Walgreens or CVS but localized to the Midwest) and it’s my custom to bring something back and claim I bought it with store money. This time, I bought this:20161107_200056-1

Now, the obvious chaser is happy Raphael and Spike because both are adorable and if I was younger and got that turtle, you’d best believe I would carry it around as if it was my new best friend. All the figures are pretty decent, and then there’s that one that’s blacked out with a question mark. I had no idea what that thing’s deal was and simply assumed there were a bunch of random lesser figures.

I was wrong.

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It was actually a single figure, and as you can see, each photo is denoted by a little jewel:

20161107_212508-1Blue is common, purple is rare, orange is ultra rare, and red is secret rare. The only red one is the question mark guy, and I’m familiar enough with the current iteration of the Teenage Mutant NInja Turtles show to know that a human figure could be a wide variety of characters and when I poured out the pieces, I knew that I had somehow lucked into getting the Secret Rare figure on my first go! This was largely unprecedented.

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This was also largely underwhelming. It was obviously human, but in  a world full of mutated animals and ninjas, a mere human wasn’t much of a get. So I put it together and hoped that it was more impressive than it first appeared.

It was not.

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That is a Purple Dragon. According to the TMNT Wiki, it’s probably the one named Fong who used to be the leader.

This was perhaps the worst figure to get, despite it being labeled Secret Rare. This is an important lesson to children. It teaches them that even if something is kept out of reach, it’s not actually worth getting. There’s not one child who is sitting at home watching Ninja Turtles thinking, “Oh boy, I wish I could have a MegaBloks version of that one Purple Dragon guy” and being pleasantly surprised when they found out that their dream could be a reality. And I’m not against Fong having a figure, I just don’t understand why they made the most boring guy Secret Rare. Unless, of course, their entire plan was to not make too many of them to spare children the heartbreak of getting one.

In any case, I bought three more packs and got Slash, purple Donatello, and the Mousers which are almost as adorable as Spike but with mouths that move. I was planning on tying this all together somehow but I don’t recall how I was going to do that, so instead enjoy this review of something else I found at Drug Mart.

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It was about worth the forty-five cents I paid for it, until the aftertaste set in and my regrets for the night were doubled.