It’s been over a month since we checked in with my problems. Let’s do so now.

PROBLEM: I have a severe lack of confidence that negates any positive thing anyone ever says about me and whatever I do.
SOLUTION: This is actually getting better, to some degree. Alcohol has helped allow me to look at myself in a more objective way and I am in no way as bad as I thought I was, though I still have some ways to go.  So this one has slowly been getting better, but there is a new problem.

PROBLEM: Brain fog
SOLUTION: I sometimes go through periods where I am completely unable to engage with anything for very long. This is not something unique to me, and naming it seems to have removed some of its power. I spent all of March and most of April in this fog and it was a really bad time.

PROBLEM:  I need a new computer.
SOLUTION: This is closer only in a macro sense. I’m fixing my finances because I was tired of dealing with constant overdraft fees and opted out of that, which has given me a clearer idea of how much money I have at a given time and where it’s going. This will happen soon, hopefully.

PROBLEM: My anxiety makes it very hard to interact with people.
SOLUTION: The problem, it would seem, is not interacting with people but initiating interaction. It’s still something I have a lot of trouble doing, even with alcoholic assistance. I think that my inability to do this is actually contributing to the brain fog and, perhaps, the nihilistic streak that will be mentioned later. Once that obstacle has been overcome, I am able to carry on a conversation as long as it may need to be. I had one today. It was nice and likely would have gone on longer if I had not been at work.

PROBLEM: My nihilist streak
SOLUTION: This is actually getting better. It’s still there, make no mistake, but it’s getting better. I still feel isolated a lot of the time and this leads to my negative feelings getting the upper hand and may be a contribution to the brain fog. I still need a lot more positivity but I’m getting more than I was which is a definite boon.

PROBLEM: Employment
SOLUTION: Finding it. My jobs are fine but I need something that is either steadier or a lot more lucrative. My creative work is slowly building itself up but I need something that will allow me to pursue that more aggressively. Either a surge of funds or a steadier job. We shall see where this goes.

So things are getting better, bit by bit. Alcohol has proven to be a useful ally and I have made a vow to myself to never overdo it. If I ever drink so much that I cannot remember the night before, then it’s over.