This is the actual DVD menu. The music underlying it is just as good.

First of all, I decided to take a two-week break last week and neglected to tell the people who read this blog. However, I just watched a horrible movie and I need to tell you all about it. That movie was DragonQuest, and boy was it ever lousy. I did a running commentary on Twitter but now that I’ve watched the whole thing, well, I’m not much happier about it. The movie was made by the Asylum to ape Eragon and there’s absolutely no reason for you to ever watch this movie that was apparently made for $600.

Arkadi, our “hero”, who is a pervy annoying pothead. Except his smoke sparkles for some reason.

The hero, Arkadi, is introduced hiding from his grandfather (who is apparently named Grandfather) while smoking magical weed and using a telescope to watch a girl do her laundry. He has absolutely no qualms about watching her take off her shirt, though Grandfather stops this and admonishes his magical weed-smoking. The villain, meanwhile, starts things off by using his own blood to summon a dragon made of fire. This also allows the villain, Kirill (whose name is just killer with a syllable swapped) to dominate minds. Kirill is an evil wizard, you see, and he sends his dragon to take out Grandfather in a very underwhelming battle of CGI against CGI. This sends Arkadi off on his quest to find the stones to fill up a pendant, which is also a basic RPG plot which is how the rest of these characters and situations seemingly came about.

Arkadi’s first task is to find a warrior named Maxim (Marc Singer, former Beastmaster who here is

HE NEVER STOPS MAKING THESE STUPID FACES.

doing his best Yoda impersonation) who is accompanied by Xena-lite, also known as Katya and one of the only decent things about this mess of a movie. Maxim trains Arkadi until they both realize the movie is only ninety minutes long and they should get a move on, and from here, each and every scene culminates in Arkadi getting a stone, like so:

  • Arkadi is pulled into a bog by a giant CGI snake-head in order to find a stone. The first two times, he tries to smoke his magic weed while muttering to himself. The people who made this movie don’t seem to understand how a bog works. He finally finds the stone when he doesn’t try to smoke at the bottom of the bog.
  • Arkadi, Katya, and Maxim head to a witch’s hut. She draws him a bath that has a naked woman in it. He opts not to bathe with her and this results in him getting a stone.
  • Arkadi is thrown in a dungeon with some guy who calls himself Stranger. He manages to free his chains from the floor and, once he frees himself and all the other prisoners, he is given another stone and a lot of money. Also, Katya shows up to kill a guy with a throwing star. This is when I started hating the movie.
  • Arkadi gets ditched by everyone and he winds up in a cave with a CGI spider. He lets it walk right by him and finds a stone on the ground.
  • Arkadi finds a guy on a beach. He gives the guy all the money he got earlier and the guy gives him a stone.
  • Arkadi and Katya tell some random woman that Maxim is dead and she gives them a stone. This might be someone Maxim is related to but we never find this out.

The dragon is admittedly pretty cool.

…and this spider is just adorable.

Each stone is supposedly based on one of the virtues but this nebulous at best and he only winds up finding the six of them anyway. There is nothing natural about the scene progression and each and every plot twist can be seen by anyone with an ounce of sense. Maxim heroically sacrifices himself to save Arkadi after the little perv is taken to a camp and shown an magic mirror. Katya looks into the mirror and finds out that she’s going to betray Arkadi. This happens almost immediately afterward, followed by a climatic battle between Arkadi and Kirill which is just them holding their hands out towards each other while CGI happens. The two worst offenses are when Kirill tosses Arkadi’s stone-filled pendent over a cliff but it’s cool because Arkadi actually had the magic inside of him the entire time, and when Katya and Arkadi kiss at the end after an entire movie where she continually hates him. There is nothing original about this movie.

Katya, one of the only good things about this whole misbegotten affair.

There are some… well, not good parts. Better parts. The CGI is charming in an early PlayStation kind of way, and Katya is by far the best character who is underserved by the plot and the poor imagination of those writing the movie. She’s competent, shares my dislike of the protagonist, and does her best. Arkadi is a hapless little pervy twit who doesn’t deserve all these people throwing away their lives for him. There’s an entire scene where everyone is saying how little they trust him, and then all of a sudden they decide they’ll take up arms and die for him. Maxim is just annoying. And there’s no one else in this movie who’s in it long enough to make an impression.

Do not watch this movie. It is bad. It is not a fun bad. The actress who played Katya has been in better things than this. I can only hope that the people acting in this movie had fun while doing it. I am only glad that I paid less than a dollar for this thing.